AIM: BluMyx
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used icepicks.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in you act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
The sky is falling. The sun is rising.
The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards.
The sky already fell. Now what?
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb". said, "I'll need some friends".
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
PRO-ACTIVE ETYMOLOGY: Here's a list of 10 words that don't exist, but ought to:
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane seat.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side. [readers who are not acquainted with the Australian Milk Carton can be forgiven for not appreciating this one -- ed.]
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're six inches away.
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on tid) adj. Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point at which the stream of drinkingwater is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' acks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELECELLERATION (el a sel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.